Josie’s Epic Birthday Weekend and Other Musings

It’s been a while since I’ve done a night out post. I’ve been kind of in a weird place and nothing that exciting really happened that inspired me to write. That is the excuse I’m going with.

This past weekend I celebrated the birthday of one of my really good nightlife friends Josie. I remember when she first got here from Rhode Island I had many good times with her and her crew the 4G network. As the past 2 years have flown by we’ve all changed and grown. They got boyfriends, I continued the promoter life but we’ve managed to stay in touch and maintain our friendship. When her good friend Ashley messaged me a few weeks back about her impending birthday festivities, I got really excited to see my old friends again. They always ago all out for their birthdays so I knew it would be epic.

On Friday night Josie’s boyfriend Mike chartered an amazing yacht for a dinner party around the city. The boat was beautiful with 3 floors a dining room, a roof deck and even cabins below for sleeping. We got there before Josie and Mike so we could surprise her when she arrived. I saw a bunch of cool people I haven’t seen much lately we caught up and cracked jokes.

My promoter friend August and I were trying to figure out just how many drinks we have me the last few years. It must be an outrageous amount. You have to figure we go out 275-300 days a year and make at least 30 drinks a night. So conservatively we make at least 9,000 drinks a year probably more but who knows. Does pouring glasses of champagne count? We could be here all day.

Then we imagined the possibilities of the epic party we could throw on a boat like this. However, when talking to the bartender she squashed our dreams by letting us know they only allowed 12 people on the boat at a time. This boat was huge, it could fit like at least 50 people comfortably but due to some sort of permit issues they could only allow 12. Oh well, we will have to find another option.

Finally Josie arrived and we did the obligatory “SUUURRRRPPPRRRIIIISSSEEEEE!!!!”

She seemed really happy to have all her close friends in one place. We preceded to do what we do best, drink to excess. Flutes of champagne were filled and emptied, shots were consumed and the mood was high. The Yacht drove around Manhattan providing amazing views of the skyline and even the statue of liberty. It was the perfect night for such an excursion.

August and I get thirsty for another drink and head downstairs. No bartender but plates of food out . Just as we are biting into some seared tuna the bartender chick comes back and reprimands us and tells us to wait lol. I guess it wasn’t time to eat yet. Oops. She promptly covered up the food and made us a couple drinks. We ended up having a really nice dinner 20 minutes later. Followed buy some cake.
It was time to head back to land. We exited the boat at chelsea piers and headed directly to Avenue. It seemed like the bottles of Dom and shots of tequila would never stop.

Nicky Hilton was celebrating her birthday directly across from us. Paris Hilton danced on couches with some douchey model in a backwards cap. I never understood the model dudes in fitted caps. Are you trying to get some street cred? What’s up with that. You just look like a douche poser. Kate Upton was at their table as well. They brought out a birthday Artichoke pie which I assume they threw up in the bathroom after consuming but who knows.

It hits 2am and I’m shot. I haven’t slept much in days and I’m feeling under the weather. I decide to call it a night so I can make it out for day 2.

Day 2

I’m in NYDoorman’s car headed to Chelsea Piers for part 2 of Josie’s birthday bash. He’s driving like a lunatic and on his phone the whole time as usual. I make sure my seat belt is fastened securely. We gossip about various nightlife topics on our way. Then Taylor Swift’s “We Will Never Ever Get Back Together” comes on. He is extremely excited about this. He blasts it full volume and began rocking out and sang the words. I am slightly frightened and afraid other people will see us. Thankfully the song ends and we find a spot.

We head to the 300 club, the bowling alley at Chelsea Piers. They have rented the private room in the back. We are an hour late but somehow have beat the birthday girl here so it’s cool. The room is really nice. They have hired a DJ who is also giving DJ lessons. I find out there is an open bar, relief washes over me. I head to the bar and order a glass of champagne.

Doorman and I make the rounds saying hi to those we know and introducing ourselves to new faces. It turns out one of these girls works for the same company I do, literally one floor above me. I’ve definitely seen her in the halls. I Instantly forget her name. Fuck.

When Doorman introduces himself to my friend Ashely she goes “Yeah I’ve met you already.” Doorman does not recall this.

She elaborates “Yeah I met you at the Hyundai event. I think you were doing blow off someone’s knee.”

Doorman clarifies “I wasn’t doing it off his knee it just happened to fall on his knee.”

This will be the first of three times that different people refer to Doorman doing drugs off someone’s knee tonight.

There is a Gangnam style theme to this party so they have all these PSY glasses. They actually look good on me, so I’m happy about this. They have a photo booth set up so we take some inappropriate pictures.

Then Josie arrives and we greet her with another “SUUURRPPPRRRIIISSSEEE!!!”.

We eat some food and then start bowling. I am soo fucking horrible at bowling. We play a few games and I stop caring.

Then the “Puppy Petting Zoo” arrives. It is as

amazing as it sounds. Multiple cute puppies wanting to be pet. Doorman loves them. We play with them for a while. In between trips to the open bar.

Later on a girl at the party brings up anal sex. She insists she knows how it should be done. “You just use her own cum as lubricant” she says. “You don’t just shove it in” Obviously. I bring up the convenience of lube. She insists I don’t know what I’m talking about. I berate her with a 10 minute speech about the intricacies of anal sex, of which I am admittedly not a big fan of. She comes away fairly impressed. I have another drink.

Shortly after two people in Zebra masks enter the party and perform LMFAO’s “Party Rock Anthem.” then they belt out a singing telegram wishing her a Happy Birthday. I begin to realize I will never be as good a boyfriend to a girl as her boyfriend is to her. I commemorate this moment of douchebaggery with another drink.

We begin to wrap up and head to the Dream Hotel. Josie has the presidential suite booked complete with a huge deck and jacuzzi. It is fucking beautiful. the Dream Hotel is ridiculous.

I can only stay for 10 minutes until I have to meet girls for walk in for the club I am working tonight. I head down on the elevator and meet some girls in the lobby. They have all seen Molly. They are ready to go. My partner is still 15 minutes away. I tell them to chill.

My boy has sent me a group of girls. He tells me to call them. I oblige and I watch in horror as a solid 6 ten feet away picks up her phone and begins to talk. I debate pretending I’m not there. Though I’ve already told them what I look like. The 6 walks over, she’s with 2 girls that are passable and one wildebeest. This is not going to work.

I tell them to hold on a minute and meet my other birthday group. This group is good. My Molly girls are starting to roll and getting impatient. I need to go inside before they leave. Girls are funny, they show up when they feel like it, but god forbid they wait 10 minutes. But I digress..

I approach the 6 and inform her I cannot bring her inside. She asks “Why?” I respond “I just can’t.” She is not satisfied with this. She demands answers. I tell her “I’m sorry but I can’t accommodate you” she demands I be honest with her. I can’t fucking deal with this right now so I calmly say“because you’re not good looking enough.” I walk away before the look of shock and horror disappears from her face.

I am a horrible person. However, she demanded honesty. It’s not my fault the truth is about as pretty as her wildebeest friend. I don’t make the rules I just follow them. Nothing is truly free in this world. Girls pay for their drinks in beauty, this isn’t fucking Tenjune. I bring my group upstairs and make them all drinks. Now I can finally relax.

Josie’s party eventually arrives and grabs the table across from us. Ashley’s boyfriend is drunk and wearing onesy pajamas. I am impressed with the ballsyness of this move. My partner arrives with a bunch of models and some dudes. I make a drink for one of the guys and he is extremely grateful.

My Molly girls are rolling hard and rocking out. They are happy. The birthday party is vibing with the dudes at our table and keep asking me to hook them up. I inform them that “I’m not a matchmaker.”

The guy who was grateful for the drink offers me blow. I don’t really do drugs like that so I decline. He is legitimately shocked “Bro, I just got a kilo from Columbia are you sure?” I guess he does look kind of Columbian, so I actually kind of believe him. I inform him that I’m good and he just shrugs incredulously.

I head over to Josie’s table and do a shot of some really good tequila (my drug of choice) which they insist I sip. I think it’s Don Julio Regal it’s so smooth. I am happy.

I run out of steam around 3am and head home. It was an epic weekend. Now I need some fucking sleep.

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